:(

I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN SO BAD AT POSTING THINGS. 

I hate how blogger puts my tags in alphabetical order. That is NOT the way I wanted them to go. 

Memorial Day - 30 May 2011

We're just living our teenage dream:
Suntans and county lines
Our Midwest winter skin
Replaced by lobster burns and farmer's tans
Singing along to every song we know
Blasting on the radio
These guilty pleasures we don't admit to
Like spilt secrets that are 'never' shared
S'mores over scented candles
And hollywood horrors we've all seen before
Grown-Up dreams and aspirations
Tinged with the naive innocence
That everything will work out fine
Hopes and dreams that never truly die
Merely battered by reality
Wars are fought for dreams and innocence
Freedoms and civil rights
So as we dream this Memorial Day
We honor those who serve
By not giving up our innocence,
Not just yet.

Snippet #42

A few minutes later, Marek came running up to us, his hair flying all over his face. Blood stained parts of his hands and his jacket. “It’s not mine, if anyone’s wondering,” he said, holding up his hands.

“We weren’t.” Jonáš said. 

Marek reached out to push him. Jonáš took a step back. “Hey, now. Just because you’re okay with blood on your clothes doesn’t mean I am. Stay away from me, freak.”

Snippet #41

            “What did you call me?” Ondřej asked, taking a step closer to the girl. He towered over her, but she didn’t even seem fazed.

            “Did I stutter?” She looked amused, “I said you’re an asshole, and a fucking stupid one at that.”

            Ondřej grunted in anger and pushed her backwards. “Why don’t you say that to my face?”

            “Don’t touch me.”

            “Make me.” Ondřej looked over his shoulder at his friends. They all laughed, in the same haughty way all cronies do.

            “Hey, tough guy,” The girl called out. Ondřej turned to look at her, right as she swung her arm back. There was a crack, followed by a scream. 

Snippet #40

Yes, you might fail. But you know what? At least you tried. And that’s more you can say if you just walk away and pretend that it never happened. I find it easier to admit that I need to work harder, but I will never admit defeat. So Miri, go write that God damn book of yours. You could be the worst writer in the world, but at least you’ll have the evidence of it. 

Snippet #39

“Ugh. Why, homework, why?” Jonáš moaned.

            I rolled my eyes. Always so dramatic. If he wasn’t so set on making movies, I would have suggested that he take up acting. “What do you have to do?”

            “I need to find out people’s opinions on what love is. Like, what the hell? Love just is, there’s nothing else to it.”

            “Oh for God’s sake, just ask people.”

            Jonáš sighed, “All I’m going to get is people quoting Haddaway’s ‘What Is Love’.”

            “You will not.” I went back to my reading.

            “Hey, Marek!” Jonáš screamed, hoping Marek would hear him in the kitchen.

            “What?”

            “What is love?”

            “OH BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE.” Marek responded instantly, followed by a crash, the sound of breaking dishware, and a string of curses. Jonáš and I both closed our eyes and waited for clarification. “I’m okay, just knocked over the drying rack . . . and everything that was on it.”

            We both nodded, accepting the explanation, and went back to our original conversation.

            “Didn’t I tell you that’s how people would respond?” Jonáš looked at me, unsure if he should be proud he proved me wrong or exasperated at his homework assignment.

      “You’re just asking the wrong people. Ask Sophie, I’m sure she’ll have something you can use.

      Once Sophie walked into the apartment, Jonáš pounced. “Sophie - this is for homework - what is love?”

      She smirked. “Naturally, I’m assuming Marek started singing the song to you?”

      Jonáš nodded.

      “Love is. . .” Sophie paused, thinking, “Love is taking me as I am, but leaving me better than you found me.”

NANOWRIMO

WHO'S READY TO NANOWRIMO ON THURSDAY?!

I'M SURE AS HELL NOT, BUT I'M GOING TO TRY ANYWAY!

Snippet #38

“Well, this is the worst bad luck I’ve had in awhile.” 

Snippet #37

“You make me catch feelings.”

Snippet #36

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe staying is worse than leaving? Like, you’ll be miserable if you continue to do what you are right now. Isn’t it better to be as poor as fuck, but be happy doing it because you’re following your dreams?”

Snippet #35

       “He’s a nice guy once you get to know him.” Sophie paused. “No, actually, he’s a real asshole. You just get used to it.”

Snippet #34

“You’re a poet, Soph.”

She laughed. “No, I’m not. I’m a muse. Others see beauty through me. I don’t make art; they do, and they make the world a better place because of it.”

Snippet #33

“It's not premarital sex if you never intend to get married,” Jonáš wagged his eyebrows suggestively. 

But despite the playfulness of his words, there was a sadness in his face. We both knew there was a good chance that neither of us could get married, even if we wanted to.

This Better Not Become A Thing

Okay, for two weekends in a row, I've had to clean up a drunk person's puke. I'm just saying, this better not become a thing. That is not okay. Whatever unconscious signal I gave out that said I was okay with this, I'm retracting it right now. IT IS NO LONGER OKAY.

Snippet #32

“When you walk into this church, don’t you just get overwhelmed with this sense of. . .” Marek struggled for words, “Divine intervention almost.”

Sophie shook her head. “No, not really.”

            “But Sophie, religion. This beautiful church, because God.”  Marek looked puzzled. I knew why. Standing in front of him was the girl that cried over the beauty of mosques she’d never see, and yet she seemingly felt nothing in a beautiful Gothic church.

            Sophie gave Marek a dirty look, “No. This beautiful church, because humans.”

            “So you’re saying God has nothing to do with this, at all?”

“Yes. Isn’t it better to be moved by the actions of people? To say, someone like me made this church. Someone designed it. Someone built it. God didn’t do that. We did. That’s like saying because Van Gogh’s father was a pastor that God blessed Van Gogh with his artistic brilliance. No. Van Gogh made masterpieces. I won’t have you trivialize Van Gogh by claiming God meant for him to do so. Isn’t Van Gogh enough?”

Snippet #31

           “I took 8 showers in a row – and I still felt dirty. I still feel dirty now, and I don’t even know if that’s normal.” Sophie’s fingers traced the rim of the coffee mug in her hands. Sophie didn’t even drink coffee. The smell of it just calmed her down.

            Jonáš came into the kitchen. “Wow. Super hygienic, aren’t you?”

            Sophie ignored him.

            I cleared my throat.

            The silence was stifling. 

Snippet #30

 “I don’t know how you can be so heartless, I mean, I gave you mine.”

            “No. you didn’t give me your heart. You didn’t give me love. You gave me friendship and expected sex. Do you not see how fucked up that is? Do you not see how worthless that makes me feel? I’m sorry that for once I wanted to be seen as a person, and not as your sexual pleasure. I’m sorry that you got stuck with the crappy consolation prize that is my friendship. Oh yeah, you’re a real nice guy.”

Snippet #29

 “Why is romance the only love that matters to people? What about the friendships? Doesn’t that count? Does the feeling of a friendship so meaningful that you feel it deep inside of you and know that they are a part of you and you them, does that not count? What makes romance so fucking special? What makes romance better? It’s easier to replace a love interest than it is to replace a friend that understands you without words, that knows how to make you laugh when no one else can, that you can tell your secrets to and not be judged. I just don’t get it.”

Snippet #28

 “Hun, don’t let your dreams scare you away.”

Snippet #27

“There is some beauty in suburbs, don’t get me wrong. The idea that there is a kind of beauty in repetition – quirks within a set design – that makes it beautiful. But it’s so hard to find beauty in a place where you feel so out of place.”

“But we’re all out of place here too, Sophie. We don’t really fit in Prague.”

“Yeah, but we’re all out of place together.”

Snippet #26

Jonáš looked defeated. “What’s so wrong with wanting to make movies anyway?” His voice went soft and you could hear the tears he was holding back.

Then it clicked. Jonáš met up with his parents today.

Sophie got up and gave him a hug. “It’ll be okay. They just want you to be okay. Everyone is a bit hypocritical when it comes to their children. Maybe that’s why parents drive children crazy. And maybe all children are too critical of their parents, which is why all children drive their parents crazy. But I promise you, they just want you to be okay.”

Marek looked rueful, “The older you get, the less of a future you have.”

Snippet #25

"Díky za můj sendvič ."

Snippet #24

            “Marek! Give me my sandwich back!” Sophie’s voice went up an octave.

            “Not until you ask for it in Czech!” Marek taunted.

Jonáš and I looked at each other across the dining table.

He cocked his head to the side, “Do you ever feel like you’re the parent to your own best friends?”

I had to laugh. “Really? YOU feel like a parent? I’m the parent. You’re the cool older brother.”

Sophie and Marek’s sandwich argument continued, with no acknowledgment of anyone else’s existence; the sandwich was all that mattered. Sophie started screaming louder, “If you don’t give me back my sandwich, I’ll cut off your right hand so you’ll have to awkwardly masturbate with your left hand and it won’t be nearly as satisfying!”

“YOU DEMON!” Marek threw the sandwich at Sophie. A look of pure horror crossed his face. He cradled his right hand with his left and held it close. 

Snippet #23

            “Guys, you’ll never guess what some old man said to me on the metro today!” Sophie burst into the room. Judging by how flustered she looked, she most likely ran here as fast as she could to share this trivial piece of information with anyone who would listen.

            “Did he say you could sit in his lap if the car got too crowded?” Jonáš asked, “That’s happened to me before. And it was super weird because he totally had crutches to help him walk. Like, I’m not going to sit on man’s lap when he needs support for his legs. I’d feel like a dipshit person.”

            Sophie looked perplexed as she deciphered Jonáš’s offhand comment.  “No. He said that I had a neck ‘built for pearls’. What does that even mean?”

Snippet #22

“You may be better, but I’m still dying.”

Snippet #21

“If you don’t like wearing it, why do you?” I could tell that this was one of Sophie’s serious questions.

“I wear it because I got in the habit of it. It’s a compromise. My grandmother wears the paranja. I didn’t want to. It makes my family feel more comfortable; it makes life easier for those around me. I wear it because, in Tashkent anyway, I don’t get unwanted attention. I wear it because I feel safe. It’s like home, only wrapped around my head.”

Snippet #20

“There’s different types of strength, Miri. You have the strength to survive. To endure. I have the strength that looks good until tested; it shines and burns out. It’s flashy. I’m the supernova; you’re the candle in the window that never wavers. Both have their place, neither better than the other. But don’t you dare think that you’re weak just because you’re not like me.”

We sat in silence for awhile.

“Actually, if you ask me, I think you’re stronger than me. Supernovas don’t last that long. They’re under pressure and burn bright, but then disappear; candles can last days, months, years. I’m barely strong in moments when I need to be. That’s the flash. But you, despite everything you’ve had to deal with, you still get up every morning and live your life. If that’s not strength, I don’t know what is.”

______________________________________________________

I don't know, this sounds a bit 'off' to me. Does it seem all right?

Snippet #19

“Life is fucking terrible at blowjobs, so just try as hard as you can to not let it suck.”

Czech Movies

      So I went to the movies last night with my roommate Rachel. Now Rachel is the kind of girl who is too loud and says very tourist-y things. She's super nice though. So we're going to see Moonrise Kingdom - really odd movie, but good - at this really sketch movie theatre. It was super nice on the inside though, so it was less scary. But I was the one who had to figure out how the hell to get us there and back, and the movie started at 11. At night. In a part of the city I don't know. So I was basically mentally unable to react to things normally.
     Anyway, so in the movie theatre we're waiting (there was another movie before ours). Finally the other movie ends, and every one comes out. AND ONE OF THE GUYS IN THE MOVIE THEATRE BRINGS OUT HIS IRISH WOLFHOUND. OUT OF THE THEATRE. GUYS, THE DOG SAW THE MOVIE TOO. Is it just me, or is that super bizarre? So I'm standing there in shock, and Rachel is basically screaming and drawing all sorts of attention to her as she's laughing and pointing at the dog.
     It was a good movie though.

Foreign Police

Okay, so I had to go see the foreign police today. Our appointment was for 9:30, so we left around 9. Well, we got there late, only by about 10 minutes, so it was okay. There was a long line anyway. The foreign police office is like the DMV. Only I don't speak their language. We finally got back to our apartment at 12:50 and we all crashed. Seriously, we took a 4 hour nap. Sweet.

I TOLD YOU IT RAINS A LOT IN PRAGUE!

So tonight we had our first real thunderstorm. It's like, pouring. So, naturally, I was dangerous and sat on the window ledge in hopes of getting a good picture... I like it anyway. Now if I could only figure out how to turn the pictures...

Walking Tour - Day #3

A really old church. I couldn't go in, though you can't tell from this picture.

In the church courtyard.

Faraway view of Prague Castle

Some statue on Charles Bridge

Another statue on Charles Bridge

This just looked cute. I have no idea what it is.

The Lover's Locks on the Vltava

The Charles Bridge

Down my street. I'm stilling on the window ledge...

A park by our apartment

A view of Prague

My Apartment

This is our kitchen. Isn't it cute?

This is the house across the street.

My bed before I added a duvet cover.

After the duvet cover. I think it looks so much happier with the orange.

Snippet #18

“Oh, are you her lesbian lover?” He taunted. I did everything I could to not cringe. Being a lesbian had never made things easy for me. I can’t speak for all lesbians, but the girls I had come across never were all that friendly, afraid I’d become romantically interested in them, and the boys just didn’t understand that while, yes, I was a lesbian, I was still a girl. And no, I would not let them watch.

“I’m not. But what if I was? What difference does that make to you?”

“It’s not normal. I shouldn’t have to worry about gays hitting me.”

            “Wow. First off, she’s a lesbian and won’t be hitting on you. And second, don’t flatter yourself. No sensible gay man is going to be attracted to you when you’re such an asshole.”

Dobrý den from Praha - Prague

So sorry I haven't been updating these past few days. I know that Mandi is probably about to kill me. I've been super busy - getting used to my neighborhood and orientation and trying to learn Czech (IT'S SO HARD YOU GUYS, LIKE NO JOKE). Later I'll post pictures of my apartment and the few pictures I've taken so far - I know, I'm supposed to take a lot of them, but I don't want to look like a tourist, so I don't take pictures when I'm in large groups. I'm weird. Deal with it. But seriously, the apartment is gorgeous, and IT HAS A BALCONY. And I've made friends you guys. There's two of my roommates, Sevi (whose full name is Severina...like how cool is that?), and Rachel, who I get along with really well. And then there's 3 girls who live around the block: Dorothy, Karli and Bee. Bee is from Nigeria, so that's cool. I'm the youngest out of all of them...Karli is 23, Bee and Dorothy are 21 I think, and then Rachel and Severina are 20.

My school starts on Monday, so I'll try and keep you updated on that. Tomorrow I have to go see the Foreign Police - who only speak Czech despite working with foreigners all day - to register my visa or something so I can live in my apartment. It's weird, and I don't really get it. So yeah, that's about it... 

Rape Scene Attempt #2

“Just keep walking. Ignore them.” Sophie said, eyeing up the six figures walking towards us. They had begun shouting catcalls at us. Fear stuck in my throat, so I just nodded.

Sophie’s hands were in her pockets, and I could tell she was searching for something.

They stopped and let us pass them on the sidewalk. I closed my eyes in an attempt to calm myself down. If it wasn’t for Sophie, I would have been paralyzed by fear a good 300 meters back.

We made it. Nothing bad was going to happen. Everything was okay.

I looked next to me at Sophie. Her entire body was rigid with anticipation, still not letting her guard down. As our eyes met, I saw the panic etched into her face. Her eyes were darting back and forth between me and the men.

I was paying so much attention to Sophie, I let my guard down. I was jerked backwards as someone grabbed my waist. “I’m going to rock your world, you bitch,” someone hissed into my ear. I was pushed on to the ground. The street was wet, and I could feel it seep into my clothes. The man forced himself on top of me.

My entire being thrashed in protest. His words sounded so rehearsed, like he had been here, done this, before. In comparison, my words were ugly and primal, like I knew that I was nothing more than a trapped animal – squealing, squirming, anything to escape what would undoubtedly come next. That much my muddled brain could understand. Everything was happening so fast.

In an effort to subdue my maniac behavior, he kissed me. His lips pressed against mine, hard and uncompromising, enforcing any action he would later commit against me. I froze as my brain tried to register the next chain of events unfolding in front of me.       

Taking my sudden pause as my relenting, he took the moment. Ice fingers traced down my thighs as he unzipped my jeans. My attempts to struggle against him returned, but remained utterly futile – one of his thick hands and arms wrapped around my chest, while the other explored various areas of my body.

His breath was hot on my face as he half-whispered, half-grunted, “Maybe a little dick will change your mind.” Fingers tore at my hijab, and I’ve never felt so exposed. Dirty, almost. Like someone was seeing a part of me that I hadn’t given them permission to see. Then I realized, that was exactly what was happening.

Panic finally registered in my brain – this was not how it was supposed to go. This was not love, or lust even; this was just about control. HIS control, not mine.

Pain seared through my body: I knew that it was there, but I couldn’t feel anything over my own panic. I was detached, separate, saving myself from the horror of knowing. Knowing I screwed up. It was a movie playing out; I was just an observer. I could see the pain, knew it was there, but it was like I was watching it happen to someone else. My body was no longer mine, alien to me. I waited for tears, but they never came. Sticky from sweat and rain water, I didn’t move; I couldn’t move. It hurt too much to try.

            “Now you aren’t a lesbian,” he almost growled at me. At that moment, I looked him right in the eyes. His dark eyes were dead, hollow. They seemed to stare right through me, as if I didn’t even matter, as if I was just a part of the scenery – like a lamp post or a garbage can. I never felt so worthless. I wasn’t even worthy of being seen.

I could hear Sophie crying out and fighting back; doing everything I no longer could do. She had some fight left in her. Mine has been taken from me again and again.

            Minutes turned to hours as they all had their way with me. Then they vanished.

            Sophie and I didn’t talk as we walked home.  

Snippet #17

“And you don’t expect to get a pretty girl?” I shot back.

Jonáš made a face, “Pansexual, sweetheart. Doesn’t have to be a pretty girl. A pretty boy will do just fine. I’m not picky.”

Snippet #16

“Sophie, why are you in our house? Don’t you have your own place to live?” Marek asked. He was only wearing his bath towel, which was a tad surprising.

            Sophie wasn’t fazed. “Yeah, but my roommate has her boyfriend over. And I know I’m a pretty open minded person and everything, but some things you just don’t do – and sleeping with your roommate and her boyfriend is one of them.” 

            As if on cue, Jonáš popped his head around the doorframe. “Sex?”

            “No. They’re taking a nap.”

Snippet #15

“I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS!” Jonáš screamed. His voice boomed in the small space. For a small man, he could sure project. Everyone wore shocked expressions. Sophie looked at me, her eyes huge.

Marek was the only one brave enough to ask what Jonáš didn’t sign up for. And by brave enough, I mean that he, Sophie and I had a silent eye conversation as to who would step up.

“I was born with choices, yes? Then why do I feel like I have to work my ass off in school for basically my entire childhood when I could’ve been out using my imagination and eating Play-Doh like the idiot child I was, only to then go to university where I work my ass off just to get a job that I know I won’t like? Huh? I DON’T SEE THE POINT!”

“Preach, my brother.” Sophie held her hands up in mock prayer. 

Snippet #14

“Why do you do that? Take a perfectly fine moment and destroy it with some deep speech on the tragedy of life?” Marek asked.

“I’ve learned from the best.” She gave Marek a smug smile. 

“Hey now,” he said, “When I’m being cynical, I don’t really mean it.”

Snippet #13

There’s something so personal about writing; you give yourself away to others in hopes that they feel just as lost and alone as you do. And together, in that moment of loneliness, you both feel less alone. That’s what writing is about.

Snippet #12

“Yeah, we can all sit around and sip wine and discuss great literature or film or art. Except Sophie, who’ll have grape juice because she can’t drink in her country.”

            “Thanks, guys.”

Snippet #11

“I don’t know if she’s really that deep, or if the rest of us are just really that shallow.”

Snippet #10

Jonáš sat flabbergasted. “She – she just broke his nose.”

“Time to go in,” Marek pulled Jonáš towards the fist fight. “You take the girl; I’ll handle the other guy.”

Jonáš looked terrified. “Why do I get the girl? I don’t want my face destroyed!”

           “Better yours than mine,” Marek grinned. Jonáš just rolled his eyes and they entered the fight screaming fake siren noises. 

Snippet #9

There was no way this girl was real. She was like Captain America, sworn to stick up for those who can’t do it for themselves. 

Snippet #8

“Only two things can happen when you don’t quite fit in. You’re either a square peg in a round hole trying desperately to make things work, or you’re a round peg in a square hole and going about life feeling like a part of you is missing.”

Snippet #7

Loving her was like loving the rain. You enjoy it while you have it, and once she leaves, you can’t recreate it. You can only remember how it felt to dance in the rain and pray that you’ll feel that freedom again. 

NaNoWriMo 2012

Anyone interested in doing it with me? I don't want to do it all by myself....

Snippet #6

“Does the romance that happens in novels happen in real life?”

“No. That’s why people write romance novels.”

“That’s dumb. So after being told that one day my prince will come to save me and prove his love through a series of difficult trials, I’m just supposed to take the cold hard truth sitting down? I want my prince, damn it.”

“Oh, that’s mint coming from a lesbian.” Jonas said.

Snippet #5

Seeing my face, she felt the need to explain, “When I say you need to change, I don’t mean anything by it. You don’t need to be fixed; you’re not broken. But, you will age. You will get old. It’s your choice: Do you want laugh lines or frown lines? Personally, I can’t wait for all the laugh lines I’ll have. It’ll say that I had fun, you know? Your face is a road map to your life. When you’re old, what do you want your face to say about you?”

“That I’ve aged well.”

“I think you’re missing the point.” Sophie smiled.

“Unfortunately, that’s what we’re taught to believe. What does that say about us as a society? That we’d rather be beautiful than have anything of value to share with the world?” Visions of beautiful, thin blonde girls I could never be littered the media in Tashkent; TV commercials, ads, billboards, magazines, movies.

Marek snorted, “That’s because society can see better than it can think.”

Snippet #4

“Ugh, rain. It’s doing this just to spite me.”

“The fact that it’s Prague in November doesn’t mean anything?” Sophie laughed, the rain sitting crystal drops in her hair. “J.D. Salinger said that only poets take the weather personally. I’d like to edit that statement: Only poets and girls with raging PMS take the weather personally.”

Snippet #3

“It’s the curse of being human – feeling so entirely alone despite being constantly surrounded by other people. We all feel like no one would love us if they saw us the way we see ourselves. That’s why it’s such a great thing that people have eyes of their own.”

Snippet #2

“When people draw hearts, I just have to laugh. Do they actually know what they are drawing? Hearts don’t look like that. Hearts are clumps of blood and arteries and circulation and feeling and muscle. When I see a drawn heart, I see an abstract, pictorial penis and scrotum. Or like a top view of a guy’s butt and he just happens be have a boner at the same time. But what really gets me are all the young girls drawing them all over their notebooks or on their skin or posting the stupid less-than-three’s on the internet. And I just want to be like, ‘LOOK AT WHAT YOU’RE DRAWING! THAT IS NOT A HEART.’”

“Someday, Sophie, you need to learn when to keep things you think to yourself. I’ll never be able to look at a heart in the same way again. They’ve lost their innocence.”

She shrugged. “It had to happen someday.”

“What did?”

“Losing innocence. Relationships fail, hearts break, people get broken. Life doesn’t let anyone remain innocent, and that’s the real tragedy.” 

Snippet #1

“Life is like a giant monologue, a soliloquy, full of your ambitions, motives and mistakes. What I’m most afraid of is that one day I’m going to wake up and realize that my whole life’s soliloquy is completely and utterly wrong and all my thoughts have been misguided and useless.”

“You worry about the strangest things.”

“Don’t you worry that your life is meaningless? In this big whole universe of infinite planets and solar systems and galaxies, most of whose existence we’ll never even know, and yet we’re given conscious thought. That’s something special, and a lot of pressure. I just don’t want to waste it.”  

Presently Occupied

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted. I've been really busy lately, but expect more posts come the middle of April. Hopefully....