MacGyver -- 23 May 2015

She was my stability
The 4-year long constant
She never saw the tears I cried
For I wasn't crying for her
Or because she was leaving
But they were merely for myself
And the changes I didn't realize
Until they hit me like a tidal wave
I never thought I was afraid of being alone
So I'll placate myself
And dry my own tears
Label it all "Done" and "Fun" and "Over"
Fall in love with my own loneliness
It will become my cornerstone
And next time you see me
I'll be the one holding the universe together
With duct tape and paperclips
And self-taught self-sufficiency
I will be the MacGyver of being whole

The Cigarettes of Angels - 19 January 2014

There’s perfection in all the lumps and bumps

And curves and angles of my body,
If only for the fact that they’re mine.
And who are you to tell me that the shelter
Of meat and earth and stars
I temporarily find myself in
Doesn’t do its job of keeping me whole?
I’m not tearing apart at the seams.
I promise you I’m not.
I know I’m made of stardust
I hold the universe in my eyes,
Planets orbit my hands
Comets live in the soft glow of my smile
And shooting stars are seeped into my skin
I am space raspberries and rum
And heavenly choirs
And celestial intent
And cigarettes
For someone told me once that shooting stars
Are really just angels throwing away their cigarettes
Before God could catch them smoking

Snippet #40

Yes, you might fail. But you know what? At least you tried. And that’s more you can say if you just walk away and pretend that it never happened. I find it easier to admit that I need to work harder, but I will never admit defeat. So Miri, go write that God damn book of yours. You could be the worst writer in the world, but at least you’ll have the evidence of it. 

Snippet #39

“Ugh. Why, homework, why?” Jonáš moaned.

            I rolled my eyes. Always so dramatic. If he wasn’t so set on making movies, I would have suggested that he take up acting. “What do you have to do?”

            “I need to find out people’s opinions on what love is. Like, what the hell? Love just is, there’s nothing else to it.”

            “Oh for God’s sake, just ask people.”

            Jonáš sighed, “All I’m going to get is people quoting Haddaway’s ‘What Is Love’.”

            “You will not.” I went back to my reading.

            “Hey, Marek!” Jonáš screamed, hoping Marek would hear him in the kitchen.

            “What?”

            “What is love?”

            “OH BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE.” Marek responded instantly, followed by a crash, the sound of breaking dishware, and a string of curses. Jonáš and I both closed our eyes and waited for clarification. “I’m okay, just knocked over the drying rack . . . and everything that was on it.”

            We both nodded, accepting the explanation, and went back to our original conversation.

            “Didn’t I tell you that’s how people would respond?” Jonáš looked at me, unsure if he should be proud he proved me wrong or exasperated at his homework assignment.

      “You’re just asking the wrong people. Ask Sophie, I’m sure she’ll have something you can use.

      Once Sophie walked into the apartment, Jonáš pounced. “Sophie - this is for homework - what is love?”

      She smirked. “Naturally, I’m assuming Marek started singing the song to you?”

      Jonáš nodded.

      “Love is. . .” Sophie paused, thinking, “Love is taking me as I am, but leaving me better than you found me.”

Snippet #32

“When you walk into this church, don’t you just get overwhelmed with this sense of. . .” Marek struggled for words, “Divine intervention almost.”

Sophie shook her head. “No, not really.”

            “But Sophie, religion. This beautiful church, because God.”  Marek looked puzzled. I knew why. Standing in front of him was the girl that cried over the beauty of mosques she’d never see, and yet she seemingly felt nothing in a beautiful Gothic church.

            Sophie gave Marek a dirty look, “No. This beautiful church, because humans.”

            “So you’re saying God has nothing to do with this, at all?”

“Yes. Isn’t it better to be moved by the actions of people? To say, someone like me made this church. Someone designed it. Someone built it. God didn’t do that. We did. That’s like saying because Van Gogh’s father was a pastor that God blessed Van Gogh with his artistic brilliance. No. Van Gogh made masterpieces. I won’t have you trivialize Van Gogh by claiming God meant for him to do so. Isn’t Van Gogh enough?”

Snippet #29

 “Why is romance the only love that matters to people? What about the friendships? Doesn’t that count? Does the feeling of a friendship so meaningful that you feel it deep inside of you and know that they are a part of you and you them, does that not count? What makes romance so fucking special? What makes romance better? It’s easier to replace a love interest than it is to replace a friend that understands you without words, that knows how to make you laugh when no one else can, that you can tell your secrets to and not be judged. I just don’t get it.”

Snippet #28

 “Hun, don’t let your dreams scare you away.”

Snippet #26

Jonáš looked defeated. “What’s so wrong with wanting to make movies anyway?” His voice went soft and you could hear the tears he was holding back.

Then it clicked. Jonáš met up with his parents today.

Sophie got up and gave him a hug. “It’ll be okay. They just want you to be okay. Everyone is a bit hypocritical when it comes to their children. Maybe that’s why parents drive children crazy. And maybe all children are too critical of their parents, which is why all children drive their parents crazy. But I promise you, they just want you to be okay.”

Marek looked rueful, “The older you get, the less of a future you have.”

Snippet #22

“You may be better, but I’m still dying.”

Snippet #20

“There’s different types of strength, Miri. You have the strength to survive. To endure. I have the strength that looks good until tested; it shines and burns out. It’s flashy. I’m the supernova; you’re the candle in the window that never wavers. Both have their place, neither better than the other. But don’t you dare think that you’re weak just because you’re not like me.”

We sat in silence for awhile.

“Actually, if you ask me, I think you’re stronger than me. Supernovas don’t last that long. They’re under pressure and burn bright, but then disappear; candles can last days, months, years. I’m barely strong in moments when I need to be. That’s the flash. But you, despite everything you’ve had to deal with, you still get up every morning and live your life. If that’s not strength, I don’t know what is.”

______________________________________________________

I don't know, this sounds a bit 'off' to me. Does it seem all right?

Snippet #13

There’s something so personal about writing; you give yourself away to others in hopes that they feel just as lost and alone as you do. And together, in that moment of loneliness, you both feel less alone. That’s what writing is about.

Snippet #8

“Only two things can happen when you don’t quite fit in. You’re either a square peg in a round hole trying desperately to make things work, or you’re a round peg in a square hole and going about life feeling like a part of you is missing.”