April 14, 2017: I don’t even remember the last time my
grandmother called me. It was probably high school. So when she called me
asking how she “hurt me” to make me distant from her, I was surprised. I was
less surprised when she proceeded to not listen to anything I said. I’ve never
cried during a phone call before. I just hope she doesn’t call me out of the
blue again because this felt like an ambush. It’s so hard to verbalize to
someone why they make you feel less important to them as they are literally
telling you that your male cousins are better than you because they go see her
more often. It’s great that my cousin goes and sees her several times a month.
I’m glad that they have that relationship. I live 1000 miles away and I won’t
be stopping by her house once a week. But thanks for the Catholic Guilt TripÔ I
guess.
I’d talk to you more if for a moment
I thought you’d hear what I was saying
I’m tired of screaming myself hoarse
June 10, 2017: Mom and Grandma had their last therapy
session this past Wednesday. They tackled how if my grandmother wants a
relationship with me, she’d have to be more flexible and stop blaming my
mother. The therapist suggested emailing me. My grandmother wants to call. But
I’m not emotionally ready for another phone conversation with her. We don’t
know where the boundaries are, or where the other person stands, or limits.
That’s leaving a lot of me exposed and vulnerable. It’s not the best mode of
communication for us, especially with how fragile our relationship is. I guess
we’ll see how much effort my grandmother puts into trying to rebuild our
relationship. I’m willing to put in what she does. She told the therapist that
she doesn’t see why she should have to initiate contact with any of her
children or grandchildren. I suppose we’re supposed to do it, because that’s
obviously how relationships work. God, it’s been a couple of days and I’m still
so mad about it. And it sucks because I know that I’m going to have to be the
one to be the bigger person. It’s so hard to justify to myself why I should
even bother engaging. There’s no real way to win. If I try to repair our
relationship, I’m going to end up hurt, frustrated and upset. If I don’t, I’m
just the bitchy, inflexible granddaughter that doesn’t care enough about her
grandmother. I don’t like this narrative.
It’s like you don’t know what to say to me
anymore
So all you say is “I love you”
And hope that’s enough to satisfy
But who ever told you love wasn’t supposed
to hurt?
Because love has always been messy and
hard and imperfect
And growing up shouldn’t mean growing cold
So maybe start trying to love me
Instead of just saying you do
My grandmother and I used to be close; you know, the kind of
close when you’re five and your grandmother is your babysitter. My mother
always used to say that my father’s mother never knew how to deal with
children, but as we aged she got more comfortable with us. She then went on to
say that her mother had the opposite problem: she adored us as small children
but as soon as we grew into our own opinions and personality she struggled.
It’s just hard to stay close to someone who hates women, people of color, or
anyone that isn’t a white, Christian, heterosexual male. It’s just
disheartening when it’s coming from a woman who married a man who is half
Native American, has three grandsons that are half black, two granddaughters
that are Korean, and a couple of her grandkids fall under the queer umbrella.
June 12, 2017: Text conversation
GRANDMA: I’d rather talk to you on the phone, but here goes.
[Reiterates phone call from one month prior]. There is no way I ever want to
hurt you. Now as far as counseling went, I feel it just but a big bandage on a
problem that needs more than that. I do feel she did the best she could. She
asked if your mom wanted to come back for more and she said she would think
about it. I don’t think she will go so if it is going to get solved it is up to
us. Here is the big question: Why don’t you, your mom, and your sister just drop
in to see me. Your mom says she can’t do that. Maybe when you or your sister
are home you could help by saying let’s go visit grandma. Maybe she just needs
a little push the first time. Or do you need a push too? Love you, miss seeing
you.
ME: Love and miss you too
June 16, 2017: Text conversation
GRANDMA: Show me.
ME: Could ask you the same thing (Not Sent)
She doesn’t want to admit that she’s wrong,
because then she’ll have to change.
