You Move Mountains -- 16 November 2015

I just want you to touch me like you mean it

I need to know what’s real and what’s not

Don’t lie to me, or tell me what I want to hear

I’m so afraid that I’ll crumble with your touch

Because you move mountains

But you also crush people

You’ve got a one-track mind

And I’m afraid to be the price you pay for ambition

Maybe someday I’ll get a happy ending

Instead of another lesson in bad intuition

Shards -- 16 November 2015

Just because I see the stars in your eyes
And you glow like the sun

Doesn’t make the world revolve around you

Your voice may be melodic

And you look like the love child of the universe

I know that I can say lovely things

And I know how to turn a phrase

But never romanticize your lovers

It’s a long fall from the pedestal

And nothing hurts worse than the shards of your own poetry

Kissed into skin turn to broken promises in your mouth

These are the things I wish I learned sooner

Because if I did

I wouldn’t have shattered you

And left myself with scars

She’s Big Snowflakes and Being Out in the Woods and the Color Green

She’s big snowflakes and being out in the woods and the color green. She is the crack of bonfires and shooting stars and mountains. She’s the sound of thunderstorms in May and wet socks in rain boots from splashing in puddles. She’s learning, different cultures, and the smell of old books. She’s her love of history, her refusal to eat nothing but German chocolate, and ice cream. She’s warm blankets and the comfort of being surrounded by people she cares about. She is sunrises and puppies and kitties and general warm fuzzies. She’s nerdy puns and people who aren’t afraid to be who they want to. She’s confidence and awkwardness and flying elbows while dancing. She’s twinkle lights and the north woods and warmth.

She is nothing if not dramatic.

You want to give her the world as her stage.

He’s the Glue on Your Hands Right Before You Peel It Off and Old Books

He’s the glue on your hands right before you peel it off and old books. He’s the sound of sneakers on a gym floor and the glow-in-the-dark prize from deep inside the cereal box. He’s the smell of pencil shavings and old crayons and the hair tie that gets stuck in your hair. He’s an orchestra tuning and a soda can opening. He’s relief and nostalgia and hysterics and guilty pleasures. He’s every scar with a story and peeing after holding it all day. He’s the squeak from fresh cheese curds and mint ice cream and the feeling of paint squishing through your fingers. He always guesses the ending of a murder mystery wrong. He’s the shivers from a perfect song and getting a back massage. He’s the feeling of someone else’s hands running through your hair and impromptu water balloon fights.

He’s the summer vacation you always dreamed of.

You wouldn’t change a thing.

Spun Sugar -- 1 August 2015

I can taste the distance in your kiss
And feel the discontent in your fingertips
Never thought love to be as fickle as the breeze
Seems like I have so much I don't know
You always said that I was spun sugar
Held together by questions and surgical tape
But before you always said it with a semblance of a smile
I was always afraid you'd leave me for something solid
Now I'm afraid you'll leave me for nothing at all

She's Foreign Adventures and Leather Boots and Rock Climbing

She’s foreign adventures and leather boots and rock climbing. She’s digging up dead people and their things and Indiana Jones. She’s sweat, exhilaration after a workout, and fresh manicures. She’s eating until you hate yourself and the laugh she makes when it’s suggested that she has a parasite. She’s the need to speak her mind, and the judgment when you do something stupid. She’s black coffee and maps and cats.  She’s playing the same song over and over until everyone who spends any amount of time with her knows all the words. She’s the color black, the vast emptiness of space, and colonizing the moon. She’s anxiety and panic attacks, but needing to look fierce even when she’s falling apart because some part of her life has to be put together.

She may be held together by duct tape, but she won’t let that stop her.

You never thought that it would.

Just Enough And No More -- 14 June 2015

When will I learn that some times
I can't magically make everything okay
And that filling in the cracks and spaces
Of others with myself
Just leaves us both empty
When will I stop looking for myself
In hearts that will never be home
I need to stop yearning to be held
By arms that can't contain all of me
I constantly need to remember
That I shouldn't lose myself
Just because I'm loving someone else too much
And making us both break
I need to work on loving just enough and no more

MacGyver -- 23 May 2015

She was my stability
The 4-year long constant
She never saw the tears I cried
For I wasn't crying for her
Or because she was leaving
But they were merely for myself
And the changes I didn't realize
Until they hit me like a tidal wave
I never thought I was afraid of being alone
So I'll placate myself
And dry my own tears
Label it all "Done" and "Fun" and "Over"
Fall in love with my own loneliness
It will become my cornerstone
And next time you see me
I'll be the one holding the universe together
With duct tape and paperclips
And self-taught self-sufficiency
I will be the MacGyver of being whole

Cold Hands, Warm Hearts -- 11 May 2015

The wind was a thin whisper
Keeping life from spilling across the landscape
Birds fill the air above the cold canyon
Stray shafts of sunlight tint the world to a gold haze
You gather me close
Puffs of breath mingle in the small space between
Our skin cracks and sparks from the cold
Interlocked fingertips go numb
Holding hands is a natural hand-warmer
So I'm never letting you go
My jaw aches from chattering and you can't feel your face
You say you love me so much it hurts
Just show me where and I'll kiss it better

You Were Always Supposed To Be A Warning -- 2 May 2015

You were always supposed to be a warning
A wildfire can never hold the ocean
But you make me want to try

I was told that love can be so destructive
The kind of force that rots and levels cities
Leaving only deteriorated carcasses of what used to be

My mother brought me to several such cities
Places where she thought no hope could dwell
But I never heeded any advice she gave

I felt no dysphoria in these lonely, forgotten places
Any warnings from my mother have faded in my head
I was too busy archiving architecture and dreaming

You were always supposed to be a warning
There can be beauty to be found in the aftermath of chaos
Even if I'm the only one to see it

Lizzy's 10pm Thoughts

So Lizzy, while in bed, just said to me, "Sydnee, when you were in Prague and I was rooming with Carrie. During finals week, I did the milk gallon challenge with some kid. I'm lactose intolerant. I shouldn't even be alive right now. I'm living on borrowed time right now."

My roommate, everyone. 

Expensive Bruise -- 15 April 2015

All my observations may be sarcasm-based
But all you've ever been was an expensive bruise
We both still have so many things to learn
Like how to stop being so miserable all the time
For sharp tongues and biting words do not a relationship make
You know what to say to leave me reeling
And I know how to cut you to the quick
No one ever taught you how to compromise
No one taught me how to please
So we fight with words instead of fists
My pride will be the crime scene
Your mouth will be the smoking gun
The worst part is that I'll kiss away the smoke
And no one has to know what happens behind closed doors

Seven -- 15 April 2015

Your ambition lusts after power and prestige
Leaving you gluttonous for making up rules
Pride for your work knows no bounds
Green the only currency for greedy fingers
Falling so easily to sloth and luxury
Your vengeful wrath rains down on adversaries
I don't envy anyone in your way

An Asshole's Postcard -- 15 April 2015

Dear Julia,
            Roses are red
            Violets are blue
            Sorry to say
            But I'm leaving you
---Charles

Dear Charles,
             Roses are red
             Violets are blue
             You're an asshole
             And I'm leaving you too
---Julia

Astral Projection And Mutual Affection -- 24 March 2015

Constellations dance and decorate your body
From your hands to your face
And everywhere in between
You reflect galaxies in your eyes
Asteroids and comets orbit your path
You are the northern lights and the Milky Way
And the ever expanding universe
If you are all the stars then I am a black hole
Ever collapsing and self destructive
To the point of leaving nothing in my wake
I'll consume everything you are if given the chance
So stay awake, save yourself
We both know this is going to end with you broken and me empty

The Hands That Touched Her -- 23 March 2015

She used to be pretty
All sunshine smiles and cups of warm coffee
She was beautiful
Like a cat stretched out in the sun
Or a fresh snowfall, pure and undisturbed
That girl isn't around anymore
Gummy smiles and a too-big nose
With eyes that crinkle when she laughs
She is still beautiful, but unusually so
Like stinging nettles or a venus fly trap
She's not afraid to bite if you get too close
And if you think for a second
That she is any less beautiful
Marred, scarred and dirty
Now that she's been broken, abused, and left
Then maybe you should look at the hands that wrecked her
For they are the source of the dirt
And his actions shouldn't condemn her

Literary Comparisons -- 7 March 2015

Meeting you is like having a dry mouth
It's uncomfortable and I know it's all my fault
That I've been lacking something
And you're the water that I never knew I needed.

Loving you is like being in a food coma
I know I'm overdoing it, but I'm so content
You are radiant and make me glow
I just want to sit around and think, "yes, this."

Missing you is like cutting your hair
And for weeks your hand stutters and falls
Because you remember something being there
But my hair will grow back and you'll still be gone.

You're the only person made of metaphors
And similes and other forms of literary comparison
You're the wildfire that tore through my world
And now even reading a book makes me ache. 

Film Noir -- 26 February 2015

Rain works like a small cigarette
Enough to stop the itch
But it's not quite a cure
Or it's a rush and too much too soon
Either way damaging
Leaving you lost with thoughts
You hadn't thought for a while
Despite the film noir notions
Of romanticized nostalgia
Rain and cigarettes
Give too much time for dissatisfaction
And a lingering distaste in my mouth

Pillow-Talk -- 20 February 2015

Death sure is lively pillow-talk
Nose to nose under the covers
Whispering words of comfort and reassurance
Anything to make us feel bigger than we are
That our attempts at living aren't the futile efforts
Of an insignificant and dying species
Cold feet sparking the need to be even closer
Sharing heat in any way we can
Nothing is ever certain
I don't think we'll ever meet again
In this life or the next
Or any place in between
It is merely enough that I met you once
That we found each other in such a busy world
The universe is vast and open and explosively silent
We know so much and yet so little
The chances of meeting were so slim
And yet I saw you and you saw me
It was wonderful and joyous and warm
Like chasing fireflies in July

Archaic Misfortune of Men -- 13 February 2015

Sailors used to tell stories
That a woman on board was bad luck
So go ahead and throw me overboard
As I drown my legs will entwine
Slowly becoming one
The salt will scrape at my lungs
Watery depths will lull me to sleep
And I'll know I'm home
And breathe again
I'll come back stronger
Pissed as hell
With a voice husky from betrayal
And strained from screaming
My siren call burdened with revenge
Beautiful and dangerous and tragic
Designed to lure only those
That want to make more like me
Never again will I be silenced

It's two months into 2015 and I've already had more posts than I did all of 2014 - Go me!

Girls Are Allowed Dark Thoughts -- 12 February 2015

That girl is a bad thing
She won't eat your heart out
She won't even steal it
Since she doesn't want it in the first place
She won't outright kill you
Not if it makes her hands dirty
But she just might slit your throat
With words like shards of glass
She just might feed you happiness
That turns to lies and ash in your mouth
She just might sell you romance
To find out she sold you Satan instead
She just might get you addicted to her perfume
Only for it to choke and burn your lungs
She just might whisper sugary sweet nothings
That rot your teeth and leave you hollow
She just might make you think she's a princess
But a princess becomes a queen
And there's a reason
The queen is the most powerful piece in chess
That girl is a bad thing
Just don't ever tell him
He deserves the hell she'll put him through

lowercase noises -- 11 February 2015

i am a fish
constantly opening my mouth
soundless and struggling
and the words
they stick and trudge
from my mouth like molasses
the words don't come
i'm not even sure that
a word exists for what i'm trying to say
so i'll just kiss it into your skin
and hope that's enough

Ace -- 15 January 2015

The culture today makes me feel broken.
Everything is "Sex Sells"
When really it's all just objectification
Wrapped up in a nice porn package.
Our culture is overtly sexual:
Sexual attraction, sexual desire
With articles like "How to have better sex"
"How to sexually please your man [or woman]"
And "Spice up your sex life"
Sex has become both the commodity and the currency
I am rendered utterly incapable
Of expressing appreciation or recognition
Towards another person's beauty
Without sexual connotation.
Please bear with me as I try to bypass
The sexualization that is a product of our culture
And acknowledge sensual, romantic, and aesthetic attractions
As valid without needing sex.
I can find someone attractive without wanting sex.
I may say someone's hot
Only because our society has made it impossible
To enjoy beauty without expressing it in a sexual way
I'm doing my best given the circumstances.

Constellations and Fairytales -- 15 January 2015

I heard a phrase once:
"You are not a constellation of suicidal symptoms"
Just a person dealt a crappy hand
I'm not the one that can save you
It's your fight
Be your own knight in shining armor
But I promise I'll still be here
Acting as your noble steed
So you never have to be alone.

So I'm An Awful Human Being

I've obviously been slacking on the writing part of my life. Now that I'm done with school, I'll be trying to update more frequently. We'll see if it works.