A Haiku About Mothers (I Met Him Once)

Don’t mention boys ever.

She said I need to date him.

"He sounds expensive."

Snippet #39

“Ugh. Why, homework, why?” Jonáš moaned.

            I rolled my eyes. Always so dramatic. If he wasn’t so set on making movies, I would have suggested that he take up acting. “What do you have to do?”

            “I need to find out people’s opinions on what love is. Like, what the hell? Love just is, there’s nothing else to it.”

            “Oh for God’s sake, just ask people.”

            Jonáš sighed, “All I’m going to get is people quoting Haddaway’s ‘What Is Love’.”

            “You will not.” I went back to my reading.

            “Hey, Marek!” Jonáš screamed, hoping Marek would hear him in the kitchen.

            “What?”

            “What is love?”

            “OH BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE.” Marek responded instantly, followed by a crash, the sound of breaking dishware, and a string of curses. Jonáš and I both closed our eyes and waited for clarification. “I’m okay, just knocked over the drying rack . . . and everything that was on it.”

            We both nodded, accepting the explanation, and went back to our original conversation.

            “Didn’t I tell you that’s how people would respond?” Jonáš looked at me, unsure if he should be proud he proved me wrong or exasperated at his homework assignment.

      “You’re just asking the wrong people. Ask Sophie, I’m sure she’ll have something you can use.

      Once Sophie walked into the apartment, Jonáš pounced. “Sophie - this is for homework - what is love?”

      She smirked. “Naturally, I’m assuming Marek started singing the song to you?”

      Jonáš nodded.

      “Love is. . .” Sophie paused, thinking, “Love is taking me as I am, but leaving me better than you found me.”

Snippet #24

            “Marek! Give me my sandwich back!” Sophie’s voice went up an octave.

            “Not until you ask for it in Czech!” Marek taunted.

Jonáš and I looked at each other across the dining table.

He cocked his head to the side, “Do you ever feel like you’re the parent to your own best friends?”

I had to laugh. “Really? YOU feel like a parent? I’m the parent. You’re the cool older brother.”

Sophie and Marek’s sandwich argument continued, with no acknowledgment of anyone else’s existence; the sandwich was all that mattered. Sophie started screaming louder, “If you don’t give me back my sandwich, I’ll cut off your right hand so you’ll have to awkwardly masturbate with your left hand and it won’t be nearly as satisfying!”

“YOU DEMON!” Marek threw the sandwich at Sophie. A look of pure horror crossed his face. He cradled his right hand with his left and held it close. 

Snippet #19

“Life is fucking terrible at blowjobs, so just try as hard as you can to not let it suck.”

Snippet #12

“Yeah, we can all sit around and sip wine and discuss great literature or film or art. Except Sophie, who’ll have grape juice because she can’t drink in her country.”

            “Thanks, guys.”

Snippet #10

Jonáš sat flabbergasted. “She – she just broke his nose.”

“Time to go in,” Marek pulled Jonáš towards the fist fight. “You take the girl; I’ll handle the other guy.”

Jonáš looked terrified. “Why do I get the girl? I don’t want my face destroyed!”

           “Better yours than mine,” Marek grinned. Jonáš just rolled his eyes and they entered the fight screaming fake siren noises. 

Snippet #6

“Does the romance that happens in novels happen in real life?”

“No. That’s why people write romance novels.”

“That’s dumb. So after being told that one day my prince will come to save me and prove his love through a series of difficult trials, I’m just supposed to take the cold hard truth sitting down? I want my prince, damn it.”

“Oh, that’s mint coming from a lesbian.” Jonas said.