Driftwood part 2

April 14, 2017: I don’t even remember the last time my grandmother called me. It was probably high school. So when she called me asking how she “hurt me” to make me distant from her, I was surprised. I was less surprised when she proceeded to not listen to anything I said. I’ve never cried during a phone call before. I just hope she doesn’t call me out of the blue again because this felt like an ambush. It’s so hard to verbalize to someone why they make you feel less important to them as they are literally telling you that your male cousins are better than you because they go see her more often. It’s great that my cousin goes and sees her several times a month. I’m glad that they have that relationship. I live 1000 miles away and I won’t be stopping by her house once a week. But thanks for the Catholic Guilt TripÔ I guess.

I’d talk to you more if for a moment

I thought you’d hear what I was saying

I’m tired of screaming myself hoarse

June 10, 2017: Mom and Grandma had their last therapy session this past Wednesday. They tackled how if my grandmother wants a relationship with me, she’d have to be more flexible and stop blaming my mother. The therapist suggested emailing me. My grandmother wants to call. But I’m not emotionally ready for another phone conversation with her. We don’t know where the boundaries are, or where the other person stands, or limits. That’s leaving a lot of me exposed and vulnerable. It’s not the best mode of communication for us, especially with how fragile our relationship is. I guess we’ll see how much effort my grandmother puts into trying to rebuild our relationship. I’m willing to put in what she does. She told the therapist that she doesn’t see why she should have to initiate contact with any of her children or grandchildren. I suppose we’re supposed to do it, because that’s obviously how relationships work. God, it’s been a couple of days and I’m still so mad about it. And it sucks because I know that I’m going to have to be the one to be the bigger person. It’s so hard to justify to myself why I should even bother engaging. There’s no real way to win. If I try to repair our relationship, I’m going to end up hurt, frustrated and upset. If I don’t, I’m just the bitchy, inflexible granddaughter that doesn’t care enough about her grandmother. I don’t like this narrative.

It’s like you don’t know what to say to me anymore

So all you say is “I love you”

And hope that’s enough to satisfy

But who ever told you love wasn’t supposed to hurt?

Because love has always been messy and hard and imperfect

And growing up shouldn’t mean growing cold

So maybe start trying to love me

Instead of just saying you do

My grandmother and I used to be close; you know, the kind of close when you’re five and your grandmother is your babysitter. My mother always used to say that my father’s mother never knew how to deal with children, but as we aged she got more comfortable with us. She then went on to say that her mother had the opposite problem: she adored us as small children but as soon as we grew into our own opinions and personality she struggled. It’s just hard to stay close to someone who hates women, people of color, or anyone that isn’t a white, Christian, heterosexual male. It’s just disheartening when it’s coming from a woman who married a man who is half Native American, has three grandsons that are half black, two granddaughters that are Korean, and a couple of her grandkids fall under the queer umbrella.

June 12, 2017: Text conversation

GRANDMA: I’d rather talk to you on the phone, but here goes. [Reiterates phone call from one month prior]. There is no way I ever want to hurt you. Now as far as counseling went, I feel it just but a big bandage on a problem that needs more than that. I do feel she did the best she could. She asked if your mom wanted to come back for more and she said she would think about it. I don’t think she will go so if it is going to get solved it is up to us. Here is the big question: Why don’t you, your mom, and your sister just drop in to see me. Your mom says she can’t do that. Maybe when you or your sister are home you could help by saying let’s go visit grandma. Maybe she just needs a little push the first time. Or do you need a push too? Love you, miss seeing you.

ME: Love and miss you too

June 16, 2017: Text conversation

GRANDMA: Show me.

ME: Could ask you the same thing (Not Sent)

She doesn’t want to admit that she’s wrong, because then she’ll have to change.